what are cats?
when you want to play they want to play
when you want to be alone they want to play
they expect you to cater to their every whime
they leave hair everywhere
they never listen to you
they do naughty stuff and look cute at the same time
conclusion
They are tiny women in little fur coats
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The young man said to his sweetheart, “We’re going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets.”
The young girl said, “Why do we need three tickets?”
“They’re for your father, mother, and kid sister!”
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A Japanese drops a hammer out the window of a seven story window when he goes back down stairs he see a kid crying he ask the kid why he is crying and the kid says a hammer came out of the sky and hit my dad now he has a concussion.
An amerian drops a nuke out the window when he got outside he saw a kid laughing. He asked why he was laughing the kid said grandma farted and the house blew up.
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A guy from china said “If I ever eat rice again i will kill myself”
A guy from italy said “If I ever eat rice again i will kill myself”
Some random 12 year old who is still in second grade said
“If I ever eat PB & J again I wil kill myself.”
The next day the moms of the guys from China an Italy saw them dead on the ground (they never knew they never wanted those meals again) The radom 12 year old’s mom saw him dead on the ground said”Don’t look at me, he packed his own lunch.”
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International Institute of Answering Machine Answers
1) Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
2) “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”
3) “If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”
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As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approcached them arm loaded with belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.” “Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered….. “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.” After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
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There were three bad nuns and a really bad priest. The priest tells the nuns “go out and do something bad your sins will be forgiven.”
So the nuns all go out and do something bad.
They come back to the priest and he commands them to tell him what they’ve done.
The first nun says, “i robbed a bank.”
The priest replies, “go drink out of the holy water and your sins will be forgiven.”
The second nun says, “I hijacked a car.”
The priest replies, “go drink out of the holy water and your sins will be forgiven.”
The third nun says, “I pissed in the holy water.”
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A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: “I wish you were here.” The message received by wife: “I wish you were her.”
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There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the drive to drive to the airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled,”Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!” After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi.Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled,”Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi.
For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!” The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”
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A guy lookin for a work!!!
The manager asks: You drink?
The guy: No sir,
The manager: You smoke?
The guy: no no sir!
The manager: Any weak points u have , to share, before getting into ur job?
The guy: Lie sometimes!!
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There were 3 men lost in a dessert. When these gangsters appeared and captured them. They told the first man Jim, that they would kill him if he did not do a deed. Jim accepted the deed and was told to go get ten pieces of fruit. Days later he appered with 10 apples. They told him that they were going to put the apples down his pants and if he made a expression he would die. On the 3rd apple he smiled They ate him and he was sent up to heaven. They told the 2nd man bob to go and get 10 pieces pf fruit. Bob returned with 10 berries. On the 9th berry he laughed and was sent up to heaven.
Up in heaven Jim asked bob why he laughed, and bob replied he saw the 3rd man coming back with pineapples!
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John to matts “Have you ever seen the movie constipated?”
Matt= no
John=Why?
Matt= because it never came out!
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There were three girls- a blond, a red head, and a brunette. They were at a crime scene and they didn’t want to be accused of anything, (They were innocent) so they each hid in a sack.
A policeman came by and said, “Who’s in there?” to the first sack. The red head was pretending to be a pig, so she said; “Oink, Oink.” The policeman came by the second sack and said, “Who’s in there?” The brunette was pretending to be a cat, so she said,”Meow.” The policeman came by the third sack and said, “Who’s in there?” The blonde finally decided what to be and said, “A sack of potatoes!”
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
*****************************************************************
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10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8 ) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ”com” after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
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Teacher to a student a=b, b=c means a=c. Give me an example. Student: I luv u – u luv your daughter – so I luv your daughter.
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Anthony’s Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Bell’s Theorem:
As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.
Breda’s Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Cannon’s Karmic Law:
If you use the excuse that you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will actually have a flat tire.
Kovac’s Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
O’brien’s Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Owen’s Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Rubys Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are in a situation where you do not want to be seen by anybody.
Willoughby’s Law:
When you try to prove to the repairman that a machine doesn’t work, it will.
Wooly’s law:
When you are working late, the boss will never be around. When you are surfing the net the boss will always drop by.
Zadra’s Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area.
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