If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don’t, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don’t, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp.
If you don’t, you are not understanding.
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don’t, she accuses you of double-crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don’t, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad.
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her.
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way.
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”.
If she is visited by another man, “oh it’s natural we are girls”.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction.
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

Oh! WOMAN….
Simple, yet so complex.
So weak, yet so powerful.
So confusing, yet so desirable.
So damning, yet so wonderful…..
…WOMEN!…. You are too…. Great…..

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.”
“Poof!” said the genie.
“You’re a housewife.”

A little old lady was driving along the road (relatively quickly) when a police car pulled her over. The passenger of the police car got out and walked over to her window, to tell her she was driving too fast.
“Excuse me, Ma’am,” he said, “but you’re over the speed limit. Can I see yourdrivers’ licence?”
“Don’t have one.” She replied.
“I see…well, I’ll have to take you down to the police station then.”
“Sorry,” she apologized, “but I’ve got a body in the boot and five bags of crack that needs delivering. I really don’t have much time.”Amazed and slightly worried, the officer called on his senior to investigate,
before sitting in front of the wheel in case the old lady decided to drive off suddenly. The officer walked toward the old lady to ask the problem.
“Excuse me, Ma’am,” she said, “but my partner said you don’t have a license, have a body in the back and five bags of crack you need to deliver. Mind if I check it out?”
“Not at all, Miss.” The little old lady replied. After investigating the entire car,the officer came up empty handed and walked to the front.
“I can’t find any body, or any drugs. Can I see your license?”
“Sure,” said the old lady, offering her license. “And I bet your partner thought I was speeding, too.”

One day a girl named Tori was a quiet ugly girl.she had never had any friends and didn’t have a boyfriend.
well on day she meet one of the popular girls at school. all the guys thought that the popular girl was GORGES!! well one day the popular girl meet tori..and the popular girl was always making people that wasn’t popular feel bad about them selves.so the popular girl and her friends got together and told tori that she was pretty and that she didn’t understand why any of the guys didn’t like her ,and that she was super skinny.so tori took it all in saying,”i am gorges.” with everyone laughing at her the popular girl and her friends laughed and said sweet heart IT’S OPPOSITE DAY!!!!!!!!

1. You can stare at any Girl…….

2. You don’t have to spend money on her.

3. You won’t get boring result in ur board papers.

4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

5. If u don’t have a girlfriend, she can’t dump u.

6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.

7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.

8. You won’t have to tolerate someone else defining, “right” and “wrong” for u.

9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can’t do anything according ur wishes anymore.

10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.

11. You won’t have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.

12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.

13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.

14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u’ll sin less.

15. You can have good night’s sleep-no need to dream about her.

16. You wont have to fight over having a ‘special’ friend with ur folks.

17. No nonstop nonsense.

18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.

19. No tension.

20. You can be “urself”

21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills…..

Q) what did santa say when he was High?

A) Merry christmas to all now your all Gonna get High!

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn’t know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea….
He turned to the crowd of guests and said “Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?” About twenty people stood.Then he asked ” Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?” about twenty five people stood up. Then He smiled and said
–
–
–
“Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party”.

1. A student’s leave letter:
“As I am suffering from my uncle’s marriage I cannot attend the class….”

2. A candidate’s application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘typist And an accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post.”

3. I.T.I.: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

6. An incident of a leave letter:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.”

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

8. A covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave”.

11. Letter writing:
“I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave…”

A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, ‘What would happened if this does not work?’
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILT’.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, ‘Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.’

A cyclone hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning.It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed the next county over.

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.

“Don’t be scared, Mary,” her husband said.” We’re not hurt.”

Mary continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy… this is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together.”