Employees leave letters:
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave..”

From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son: “As I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..”

Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding: “As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”

“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
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“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
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A leave letter to the headmaster:

“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

“As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”
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Covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”
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Letter writing:
“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”
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A candidate’s job application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’…. As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

There was a lady who was having a really bad day. She went to work and while sitting in traffic she rear-ended the car in front of her. The person got out of the car, and he was a midget. He looked at her and said, ” I am not happy!” She replied, “Then which one are you?”

So one day there were three dudes. For lunch, Brad, always got tuna and so he says,”If I get tuna 1 more time I’m going to jump off this building.” So then Larry gets his lunch and he gets tacos Again! And so he says,”If I get tacos 1 more time, I’m gonna electrocute myself severely.” Then, Cameron goes to get his lunch and he got salad again, so he says,” If I get salad one more time I’ll stab my self in the heart!” So then the next day they got the same food, so they had to have a funeral. So then everybody turns their head to look at Brad’s wife and she said,” If I knew about this I would not have given him tuna again.” Everybody turns their head to Larry’s girlfriend and she says,” If I would have known about this earlier, I would’ve given him something like spaghetti.” Then everybody turns their head at Cameron’s woman and she said,” Don’t look at me, he goes to McDonald’s every morning at 8:00 am and he buys his own lunch.”

Men’s Normal heart beat rate is between 60 and 100 beats per minute, but it depends who is near :
> 18 = 80 to 100 heart beats / min
> 25 = 60 to 80 heart beats / min
> 30 = 40 to 60 heart beats / min
> 40 = 20 to 40 heart beats / min
> 50 = 1 to 3 heart attack in a min.

A blonde enters a bar and asks the barman,
“Oh! Sir! Please! Can you help me? I have just bought two ponies but I can’t tell them apart! What should I do?”
“Why don’t you chop off one of their tails,” the barman replied. “That way you could tell them apart!”

So the blonde left, and came back a month later and said,
“Oh! Please! Can you help me again? Cutting the tails really worked but they’ve grown back! What am I to do now?”
“Why don’t you chop off one of their manes,” the barman replied. “That way you could tell them apart!”

So the blonde left, and came back a month later and said,
“Oh! Please! Can you help me one more time? Cutting the manes really worked but now they’ve grown back. What can I dow now?” She cried in despair and frustration.
“Okay then,” said the barman, who was beginning to get annoyed with the blonde. “Why don’t you measure them?”

So the blonde left and came back the next day.
“Oh thank you so much! Now I can tell my two ponies apart always! The white one is taller than the black one!”

After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, ‘How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.’ He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly lady he’s runnin’ around with.’

Hi,
GOOD MORNING.
After 10 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- S! o, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager! :- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral – NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK

A tired man walks into a bar and sits by a sick looking man, the sick looking man was just looking at a bowl of chile and the man could tell he couldn’t eat it. So the man, to tired to order it for himself asks the sick looking man for it. the man grumbles a “yes” and gives it to him. So the tired man starts to eat the bowl chile and after a few minutes begins to feal bad and throws up, right into the bowl. The sick looking man by him says “thats where i stopped”.

They said a black man would be president when pigs fly, well its Obama’s first 100 days in office and boom….Swine flu

A disappointed salesman of Cola company returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there.

But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…

First poster – A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster – man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place
“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied “I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left”