An advertisement for an aviation school claimed it could teach anyone to drive an Aircraft in five minutes or less.
I called them up and asked “How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?”
They answered “It’s a crash course.”
Email This Post
Two men are walking in the woods when suddenly one falls down and appears dead. The other hastily calls 911 and says “Operator you have to help me. my friend fell down and he looks dead!” The operator then says, “Okay, i’m going to need you to remain calm. First check to make sure he’s dead.” the man says “Okay hold on a second.” The operator then hears a gunshot and the man comes back on. “Okay, what now?”
Email This Post
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
“When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
“When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'”
Email This Post
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Email This Post
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”
“I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.
“You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
“Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.
“No. This is the American Embassy.”
Email This Post
A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Email This Post
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.” The engineer said “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.” The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
Email This Post
a Drunkard was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
Email This Post
Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.
He walks it past the guard’s post, and the marine says “Mr. President, is that a new dog?”
Clinton smiles, and replies, “Why yes, I got it for my wife.”
The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, “Excellent trade.”
Email This Post
A young man reported for his first day of work at a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
Email This Post
Two Politicians were taking their first train trip on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Email This Post
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”
Email This Post
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”
Email This Post
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool – nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda.
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.
Email This Post
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”
There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”
Email This Post
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry’s turn. He turned to the other two and said “Ok guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
Email This Post
A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.”
“Actually,” said the guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
“Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?”
“Yes, indeed. He wrote a check.”
Email This Post
Mr Sharma asked Mrs Sharma why did you write salt in the box containing sugar.
Mrs Sharma: To confuse ants and not to confuse myself
Email This Post
Your mother uses your father’s one
Your Aunt uses your Uncle’s
Your grandma uses you grandpa’s
Your sister uses you brother in law’s
Guess what is it??
Surname, you dirty mind
lOol
Email This Post
The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself. “My salespeople just don’t know how to sell vaccumms!” he said. “I will show them how to make a sale!”
He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked confidently on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls and an old baseball cap on his head answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, sir, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Get lost, Mister fancy suit!” said the old man. “I haven’t got any money. Get out of here!” and he proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his highly polished Italian shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty, sir!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. If you will allow me!”
The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his living room carpet.
“I will make a bet with you, sir! Any amount! If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will pay up! I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE! Just name your price!”
“I don’t want yer money, suit boy” said the old man angrily. “I told you take your Armonte suit and get out!”
But the CEO corrected him, “That is ARMANI. And I am going to clean up all of the mud I dropped! If you don’t want money, what DO you want? Just name it!”
The old man looked the CEO up and down, and then up and down again. His face broke into a sly grin.
“Alright, suit boy, here’s the bet: if you don’t clean it all up, I’ll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer what I got on. It looks to me like we’re about the same size. Now I don’t just mean your nice Armani suit. I mean everything you got on: that pretty tie, those shiny shoes, yer shirt, yer belt, everything! Even yer socks. And all you get are my overalls and my cap in return. Nothin’ else. Deal?”
“My clothes?!” said the CEO in surprise. “You want me to bet my CLOTHES? Well, I didn’t expect that, but of course, that’s fine! I’ll give you all my clothes if I don’t clean up every bit of dirt!” His smiled beamed with confidence.
“And I’ll take yer wristwatch, too..And you gotta wear my cap, too” said the old man.
“Of course! My Omega Seamaster!” the CEO chuckled. “Now I will get to work..”
“Lemme ask you somethin’, pal…Where are you goin’ when you leave here?”
The CEO answered in an arrogant voice: “To a VERY important business conference! WHY?”
“Will they let you in if yer barefoot?” said the old man.
“Of course not! But I have no intention of showing up in my bare feet!” said the surprised CEO. “But what…”
“How much did you pay for those socks you’ve got on? I had my eye on them” asked the old man.
“Thirty dollars” said the bewildered CEO.
“I ain’t never worn thirty dollar socks before!” said the old man. “It will be kinda hard for a bigshot like you to wear overalls in place of a suit to work, I guess! But there’s always a first time!” said the old man.
“WHAT?!” said the confused CEO.
“What do you call them shiny shoes? Are they Eyetalian?” said the old man.
“Yes, they are Ferragamos, but why are you….?” and the CEO was even more bewildered.
“Sounds good to me. And will you show how me to tie a necktie? And how to work them cufflinks?” said the old man…
One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared.
A bare foot.
He stepped out into the hallway – dressed only in very dirty overalls, and barefoot. The old ball cap was placed on top of his neatly styled hair. His expensive executive suit, shoes, shirt and tie had vanished, and his watch was gone from his wrist, along with his confidence and dignity.
The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive Armani pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO’s thirty dollar socks and then eased his feet into the former owner’s mirror-shined Italian shoes.
“Now I gotta see about payin’ that electric bill…”
Email This Post