An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate’s technology and you are probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant; transported by Indian lorry-drivers.

John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

“No thanks,” said John, “I’ll just have a cup of black coffee.”

“I’ll have black coffee, too,” Jake said. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

“Two cups of black coffee,” she announced. “Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

“You must mean the lift,” he said.

“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”

“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”.

“Now you listen”, the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.”

“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”

I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.

I asked, “How much is a ticket?”

They said, “Ten dollars.”

I asked, “How much for children?”

They said, “Same price, Ten dollars.”

I said, “The airlines charge half fare for children.”

They said, “OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You’ll enjoy it a lot more that way.”

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”

“Just bring me a size eight.”

The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.

He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed for bankruptcy, and my son just wouldn’t listen to me. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”

Two strangers were waiting for the bus and started to talk to each other.

First person: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

Second: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.

First : Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.

Second: I’m not. I’m her mother.

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, “Say It With Flowers.”

“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.

“Only one?” the florist asked.

“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”

A woman came storming at the Postal counter. She gave a parcel Pick-up notice and complained, “This morning, your mailman came with our parcel for delivery. He left this note for us to pick up from Post office, but my husband was home all the time. Why could not he knock our doors and deliver parcel at home?”

The Post master was polite and apologetic. He went inside brought the parcel and delivered it to the lady. Then just casually he asked, “Ma’am what is inside this parcel that upsets you so much?”

The lady replied, “My husband’s first new hearing aids.”

A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”