Doctor: Mr. Jones, I have two news for you. One is good and the other one is bad. Which one you want to hear first?
Mr. Jones: tell me the bad one.
Doctor: The bad news is, both your legs have to be removed.
Mr. Jones: And the good news?
Doctor: I will buy all your shoes cheaply.
Email This Post
Old Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.”
Dentist: “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”
Email This Post
A woman went to see the doctor about her weight and said , “Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?”
The doctor replies, “Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left too right?”
She says, “WOW that’s amazing, um… when do I do it?”
The doctor says, “Next time your ordered food.”
Email This Post
Once a man ran to the Doctor,’ my wife accidentally drank some petrol. Now she is running in the house. What should I do?’
Doctor smiled, ‘Lock all the doors and windows in the house. She will stop when the petrol is over.’
Email This Post
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”
Email This Post
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.
Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?” The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”
The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”
The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret….
Email This Post
Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Old Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
Email This Post
A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, “My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?”
Doctor replied, “Just give him a headache, what else can you do now?”
Email This Post
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That’s because you’ve got your hand on my watch!
Email This Post
Doctor- You’re overweight
Lady- I think I want a second opinion
Doctor- OK, you’re also ugly.
Email This Post
A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
The man replies, “I’m alright, but I didn’t like the FOUR-LETTER-WORD the doctor used in surgery.”
The nurse asked, “What did he say”?
“OOPS!!!”
Email This Post
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
Email This Post
Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. ”
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”
Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable. ”
Email This Post
Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
Email This Post