Teacher: “Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?”

Little Johnny: “It’s 42!”

Teacher: “Very good! – And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?”

Little Johnny: “It’s 24!”

Mom: Johnny, there were two chocolate cakes yesterday, and now there’s only one. Why?

Johnny: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn’t see the other one.

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. How the hell can you just leave me with a yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What were you thinking, will I be very happy to see those bullshit gifts of yours? Don’t let me see you trying to climb down my chimney next year. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the North Poll, just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that bike. Next year you’ll find out how bad I can be, you plumpy old man.

Sincerely,
Little Johnny

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4 ?

Little Johnny: That’s not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one !

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse’s brain instead of on his back.”

Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.

Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.

Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005

Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.

Little Johnny: Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!

I was a little surprised when my son suddenly announced one day after church, “I am thinking of being a Minister when I grow up.” “Why is that?” I asked. “Well, I figure I have to go to church on Sundays anyway, and I think it’ll be more fun to stand and yell then to just sit and listen.”

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”

“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”

“OK,” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over.”

The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a boy: Henry do you see the tree outside?
Henry : Yes.
TEACHER: Henry , do you see the grass outside?
Henry : Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Henry: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
Henry: No.
TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there. Possibly he just doesn’t exist.

A girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.The teacher agreed and the girl asked the boy: Henry, do you see the tree outside?
Henry: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Henry do you see the grass outside?
Henry: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
Henry: Yessssss!
GIRL: Henry, do you see the teacher?
Henry: Yes
GIRL: Do you see her brain?
Henry: No

GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!