On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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A guy is at the bar, just staring at his drink, when suddenly bartenders steps up next to him, takes his drink, and gulps it down.
The guy starts crying.
Bartenders says, “Come on, man, I’ll buy you another drink. For Christ sakes, don’t cry.”
The guy says, “You don’t understand. This has been the worst day of my life. First, I sleep late, and when I get to my office, my boss fires me. When I get to the parking lot, I find out my car is stolen. I get a cab home, and when I get there, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in my desk at work. The cab driver doesn’t believe me, and kicks me. So I come to this bar, and just when I’m thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my poison.”
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A person walks into a bar and orders a beer. “That will be one dollar,” says the bartender.
“One dollar!” the customer protests, “Last week it was only fifty cents!”
“Well,” replies the bartender, “it’s fifty cents for the beer and fifty cents for the Tsunami Donation.”
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a dollar, but was surprised as the bartender gave him back fifty cents and says, “We are out of beer.”
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A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender: “I’ve got this great Polish joke.”
The bartender glared at him and warned him: “Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish.”
“OK,” said the guy. “I’ll tell it slowly.”
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A man walks into a bar and asks the Bartenders , ‘Was I in here last night?’
‘You certainly were,’ replies the Bartenders .
‘And did I spend a lot of money?’
‘You spent over £100’, replies the Bartenders .
‘Thank god for that,’ says the man, ‘I thought I’d wasted it.’
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A smartly dressed man entered a plush Manhattan bar and took a seat.
The bartender came over and asked: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”
“Nothing, thank you,” replied the man. “I tried alcohol once but I didn’t like it,and I haven’t drunk it since.”
The bartender was a little perplexed but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out some cigarettes from his pocket, flipped the top of the pack and offered one to the man. But the man refused, saying: “I tried smoking once, didn’t like it, and I have never smoked since. Look, actually, I wouldn’t be in here at all, except that I’m waiting for my son.”
To which the bartender said: “Your only child, I presume?”
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ‘Do you serve women in this bar?’
‘No,’ replies the barman, ‘you have to bring your own.’
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Bartender was chatting with a man in a bar
Bartender asks “Where are you from?”.
Man replies “I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition”.
“Alright” says the Bartender , “Where are you from idiot?”
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One day a man walked into a bar with his dog. He walked up to the counter and the bartender said”We don’t allow dogs in this bar.”The man replied”But sir,my dog is a smart dog it can talk!”The bartender didn’t look impressed but gave him a shot anyway.The man then asked his dog”What grows on a tree?”The dog replied”Bark, Bark”The man again asked his dog and said”What’s above a house?”The dog said “Roof, Roof”Then for the final time the man asked his dog “What’s the opposite of smooth?” The dog replied “Rough, Rough”Very unimpressed the bartender threw them both out of the bar.The dog then turned to his owner and said”Which one did I get wrong?”
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A man walks into a pub and says, “Give me three pints of Guinness, please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, “Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what’s in your pocket.”
The guy slurs, “Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good.”
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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?” The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!”
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: “I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day.”
“Really?!” says the bartender, “How?”
“Very simple. Just pour full glasses.”
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now.” After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. “Hey, what about the payment?” yells the bartender. “I have no money,” answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now.” The bartender thinks to himself, “The man can’t be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money”, and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. “Hey, what about the payment?” yells the bartender. “I have no money,” answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar.”
In disgust, the bartender asks “What, no beer for me this time?”
“No,” answers the man, “you get violent when you drink.”
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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona’s president sits down and says, “Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew,” the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
“You would be too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.
“Fifty cents.”
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A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, “Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.”
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A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”
“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”
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