Little Johnny’s Math
Teacher: “Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?”
Little Johnny: “It’s 42!”
Teacher: “Very good! – And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?”
Little Johnny: “It’s 24!”
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Clean Jokes - Page 9
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Old Patient
An Old Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Irritated by this question he answers : No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
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Honest Little Johnny
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little Hohnny and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
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Human Body Design
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
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Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
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Needs Proper Rest
Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.
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Savings Spent on Doctors
Old Patient: I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.
Shocked Doctor : Why didn’t you come to me earlier?
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Another Doctor
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick old man and said,
“I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the old man faintly, “Another doctor”.
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Three Pills
A old man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the old man stammers, “Ohhh! doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
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Never Remember That Word
An old man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word!”
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Speaking To His Son
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”
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Stupid Patient
Patient: Doctor, give me a medicine which will change my mood to an angry mood.
Doctor: You don’t need any medicine. One of my slaps will be enough.
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Become a Horse
A woman visited a Doctor.
Woman: Doctor, I have a problem. I am…
Doctor: I know your problem. You always dream that you have become a horse, right?
Woman: How do you know?!
Doctor: Your pony tail hair style.
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So Dark
Mom: Johnny, there were two chocolate cakes yesterday, and now there’s only one. Why?
Johnny: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn’t see the other one.
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Ten Years Ago
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” “Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”
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Tsunami Donation
A person walks into a bar and orders a beer. “That will be one dollar,” says the bartender.
“One dollar!” the customer protests, “Last week it was only fifty cents!”
“Well,” replies the bartender, “it’s fifty cents for the beer and fifty cents for the Tsunami Donation.”
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a dollar, but was surprised as the bartender gave him back fifty cents and says, “We are out of beer.”
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Four Engineers
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.
The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be an grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm – perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
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Are You Drunk?
The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
“Good lord, mister,” he gasped, “Are you drunk?”
“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. “What the hell do you think I am … a stunt driver?”
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Name A Disease
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news.”
The doctor said, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”
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Three Doctors
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”
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