Henry was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong. “I’ll never understand women” said Henry. “The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.” “Wow! That’s quite some gift” said the bartender. “So why are you so dejected?” “Well I thought about it for a while” said Henry, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
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The Teacher asked Little Johnny, “How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?”
Little Johnny replied, “Just Don’t bite any.”
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School teacher asked Little Johnny, “Do you believe in the Devil?”
“No,” said Little Johnny. “It’s the same as Santa Claus. I know it’s my daddy.”
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Teacher to Little Johnny – Tell me one thing which flies in the sky but gives birth on earth
Little Johnny replies in a fraction of second- Air Hostess
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A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. ‘What’s the matter?’ she asked. ‘It’s my birthday!’ he hollered. ‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterward. . .’ and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. ‘But that’s lovely,’ said the old lady. ‘Why are you crying?’ ‘Because I’m lost!’
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A patient goes to doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor, I’m so ugly. What can I do about it?”
Doctor replies candidly,” Hire yourself out for Halloween parties.”
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A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.
“No more,” redneck said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”
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In an interview, reporters asked a 111 year old man, ‘What do you think is the best thing about being 111?’
He replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
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Full forms of Marine
M- Muscles
A- are
R- required
I- intelligence
N- not
E- expected,
S- Sir!
Full forms of Army
A- Ain’t a
R- real
M- Marine
Y- yet.
Full forms of Navy
N- Never
A- again
V- volunteer
Y- yourself
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A man was disturbing a nurse by asking lame questions every now and then, he asked, “How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Nurse: “Cut your head off.”
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The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says. “My daddy taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four,” answers little Johnny.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven,” answers little Johnny.
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers little Johnny.
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“What do you do?” a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. “I’m a nurse.”
“I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me,” he whispered in her ear.
“That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward.”
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We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’
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The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they’re stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
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Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.
Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
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The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”
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Maria was going on an ocean cruise, and she tells her doctor that she’s worried about getting real seasick.
The doctor tells him, “Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”
Maria says, “Will that keep me from getting sick?” The doctor says, “No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”
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Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
Practical Nurse – One who falls in love with a wealthy old patient.
Off duty Nurse – The nurse who can smile when things go wrong.
LPN – Low Paid Nurse.
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As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: “Do you know they are all out of step except you?” “What?” asked the recruit innocently. “I said — they are all out of step except you!” thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, “Well, sarge, you’re in charge — you tell them!”
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A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
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