An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

He went back in a month and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Little Johnny was going to his grandparent’s house one day and he was packing everything in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his grandparent’s house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill. He started up the hill but was constantly swearing “This damn thing is so heavy”

A priest heard him and came out.

“You shouldn’t be swearing” said the priest.

“God hears you…He is everywhere…He’s in the church…He’s on the sidewalk…He’s everywhere”

Then Little Johnny says “Oh is he in my Wagon”

The priest replies “Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon”

Little Johnny says “Well tell him to come out and start pulling”

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land .
600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel.
please instruct! Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot.
repeat after me: “Our Father, which art in heaven . . .”

Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yank’s. Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that. That is the Post Office Tower. Oh our towers are much bigger. This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too. I thought it might be said the taxi driver, That is the mental institute

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!

He runs around and yells, “Hey, bud, this is my car!” “OK,” the man says, “You take the front and I`ll take the back.”

A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, “Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare’s birthplace?” “Ay, straight on, sir,” said the rustic, “but no need to hurry. He’s dead.”

Robin went to a very expensive jeweller shop and asked for a ring to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.

The jeweller asked, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’

Robin thought for a moment,and said, ‘No, instead engrave “To my one and only love”.’

The jeweller smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.’

Robin with a grin on his face said, ‘Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’

In the week before Thanksgiving Little Johnny was asked to write a paragraph entitled: ‘What I am most thankful for on Thanksgiving Day’.

Little Johnny wrote: ‘I am thankful that I’m not a turkey at Thanksgiving.’

Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?

Little Johnny – Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.”

Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?”

Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”