A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.
When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.
The judge looked at her sternly and said: “So that’s you my schoolteacher Ms. Enigma I am about to realize my childhood dream. Ma’am You sit down at that table over there and write ‘I went through a stop sign.’ FIVE HUNDRED TIMES’ then show me.”
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A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
“Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?” she said in a scolding tone.
“That’s one of the benefits of owning the company,” the man replied with a grin.
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Two blonde sisters were lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, one blonde jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and goes downstairs.
Finally she comes back up to bed and says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”
Blonde says, “I’ve put their dog in our yard – now we’ll see how they like it!”
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“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.
“The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”
“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
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A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. He turned to a co-worker and said,
“I wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?”
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A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, “Say It With Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”
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A women saw a little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long happy life”?
He said, “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whiskey a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise”.
The women said, “That’s amazing. How old are you now”?
He replied, “Twenty six”.
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A woman came storming at the Postal counter. She gave a parcel Pick-up notice and complained, “This morning, your mailman came with our parcel for delivery. He left this note for us to pick up from Post office, but my husband was home all the time. Why could not he knock our doors and deliver parcel at home?”
The Post master was polite and apologetic. He went inside brought the parcel and delivered it to the lady. Then just casually he asked, “Ma’am what is inside this parcel that upsets you so much?”
The lady replied, “My husband’s first new hearing aids.”
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An interoffice baseball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just “how” the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2007 baseball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.
The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.”
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,”said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
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A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts.
“I`d like a soda, said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something.
“Yes, I would, he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!
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Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Little Johnny replies, “A teacher.”
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The School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”
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Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school.
His mother asks, “What did you learn in school today?”
Little Johnny replies, “Not much. They want me back tomorrow.
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A husband was giving a speech on wife’s 30th birthday, he said
Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
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The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s 60th birthday.
“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.
“You bet,” answered the customer. “She’s expecting a cruise.”
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On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Little Johnny : Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, dear, what?
Little Johnny: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Little Johnny: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.
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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your 40th birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
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It’s my wife’s 30th birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know, she said . Just give me something with diamonds.”
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
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