A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
Email This Post
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”
The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Email This Post
Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yank’s. Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that. That is the Post Office Tower. Oh our towers are much bigger. This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too. I thought it might be said the taxi driver, That is the mental institute
Email This Post
A redneck checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?” T
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The redneck says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
Email This Post
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk!
He runs around and yells, “Hey, bud, this is my car!” “OK,” the man says, “You take the front and I`ll take the back.”
Email This Post
A redneck, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel’s clerk about the time of meals.
“Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8,” explained the clerk.
“Look here,” inquired the farmer in redneck, “when am I going to get time to see the city?”
Email This Post
A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, “Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare’s birthplace?” “Ay, straight on, sir,” said the rustic, “but no need to hurry. He’s dead.”
Email This Post
A police officer once say a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read “To Seattle.”
He asked “What are you doing with that?”
“I’m walking to Seattle,” said the hiker, “and I don’t want to lose my way.”
Email This Post
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.” He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly. “The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one th ing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”
Email This Post
A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. “Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess I’ll need a double room for the night.” Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. “What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only been here one night!” “Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”
Email This Post
There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. “Everything’s big in Texas ma’am,” said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. “I told you, ma’am, that everything is big in Texas,” said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors. She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. “Please!” she screamed. “Don’t flush it!”
Email This Post
In Alaska’s National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: “Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic.” To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. “Also,” he said further, “be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings.” One tourist asked, “How do you identify bear droppings?” “Oh that’s easy,” the guide explained, “its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”
Email This Post
A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.
“No more,” redneck said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”
Email This Post
Maria was going on an ocean cruise, and she tells her doctor that she’s worried about getting real seasick.
The doctor tells him, “Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”
Maria says, “Will that keep me from getting sick?” The doctor says, “No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”
Email This Post
This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.
“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.
“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.
“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,
“Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”
Email This Post
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Email This Post
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
Email This Post