Funny Politicians
Rahul Gandhi has decided to field Mandira Bedi against Kiran Bedi
Rahul Gandhi has decided to field Mandira Bedi against Kiran Bedi as the Delhi CM candidate for Congress.
Any guesses why?
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Because 1 MB = 1024 KB!
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Need Visa
A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
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Leaders of Great Countries
A Singaporean, a Chinese and an Indian were asked to compare their Leaders with a National Landmark or Monument (man made or natural).
The Chinese wrote, “My leaders are like the Great Wall of China…old, but still as strong as the bricks in the Wall.”
The Singaporean wrote, “My leaders are like the many highrise buildings in Singapore. They build our nation and bring us to greater heights.”
The Indian wrote, “My leaders are like the Himalaya Mountains. They have been around for a long time, doing nothing.”
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Honesty
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!
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Who would have been President?
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.
As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary “I went to high school with you”. She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said “If you had married him you wouldn’t be married to the President”.
Hillary said “Oh yes I would–he would be President.”
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Saving President Obama
One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.
Obama thanked them and said he’d give them all one thing in the whole world.
The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land.. that summer he was in Disney Land.
The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike’s.
The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics.
Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn’t look disabled.
The young boy replied, “I will be after my father finds out that I saved you”.
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The Punishments in Hell
A man dies, and he’s looking in the gates of hell.
There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, “Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that’s his punishment.”
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks “What’s Bill Clinton doing with that model?” The devil replied, “Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life.”
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Palin and Obama
Barrack Obama and Sarah Palin were sitting by each other on a plane. Obama thinking Palin was a redneck thought he could make some easy money by tricking her into playing a game.
He told her,” If I ask you a question, and you don’t know it, then you pay me five dollars. If I don’t know one of your questions, I’ll pay you FIVE HUNDRED dollars.
Palin agreed and Obama began the game by asking, “How many miles is it from the Sun to Jupiter?”
Not knowing Palin paid him five dollars.
Then Palin asked Obama,” What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
After long hours of researching and consulting everyone he knew… he finally gave up and paid the five hundred dollars to Palin.
Then Obama asked, “So…what’s the answer. What goes up the hill with three legs and comes down with four?
Palin handed him five dollars. ๐
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Stupid Politician or People
George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, “I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.”
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was really stupid.”
“No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.”
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Service To Nation
A minister while going to Parliament asked his driver, Can you drive the car with your eyes closed?
Driver said,” No Sir.”
Minister taunted the driver, You cant even drive the car with eyes closed, and we are driving the entire country with closed eyes.
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Lying Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
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Dog Trade
Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.
He walks it past the guard’s post, and the marine says “Mr. President, is that a new dog?”
Clinton smiles, and replies, “Why yes, I got it for my wife.”
The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, “Excellent trade.”
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Banana Makes Me Blind
Two Politicians were taking their first train trip on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
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The President’s Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. “What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired.
“Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The President beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
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Woman Politician
A woman politician visited a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this,so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman politician stared at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
“Will I be acquitted?”
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Funny Bush And Tony
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: “Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?” Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.” “Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?” “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?” “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators,and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. “Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you idiot.”
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!” And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, it’s Tony Blair.”
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Clinton in a French Restaurant
Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Mexican President Ernesto Zedilo and American X President Bill Clinton are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks, “Le cafe”?
All of them answer, “Oui!”
The waiter looks at Zedilo, “Le tequila?”
Zedilo answers, “Oui!”
The waiter looks at Yeltsin, “Le vodka?”
Yelstin answers, “Oui!”
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton, “Le whiskey?”
Clinton answers, “PLEASE, DON’T MENTION THAT !!!”
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Bill Clinton’s Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”
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11th Commandment
Last week, God, His Faithful Son, the Pope and Moses and His Messenger Gabriel had a very important meeting. They were troubled by the President of the United States’ inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across to him.
The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it equaled the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they concluded that number 11 should read:
“Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”
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