1. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would’ve fit.
2. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
3. I really don’t deserve this.
4. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
5. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
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1. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
2. You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
3. You are dark and handsome; when it’s dark, you are handsome.
4. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
5. You are not totally useless, you can be used as an bad example!
6. It’s amazing you love nature so much in spite of what it did to you.
7. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
8. I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
9. Anybody who told you to be yourself, simply couldn’t have given you worse advice.
10. I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.
11. Some people bring happiness wherever they go – you bring happiness whenever you go.
12. People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
13. I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
14. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
15. All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that’s the only way they could.
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1. Shock me, say something intelligent.
2. You’re a habit I’d like to kick; with both feet!!
3. There’s only one trouble with your face – it shows!
4. I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
5. Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling — in your skull?
6. If you ever tax your brain, don’t charge more than a penny.
7. You have a face only a mother could love — and she hates it!
8. I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.
9. Look, don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you’ve got a palm.
10. You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
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1. I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
– Stephen Bishop
2 . I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
– Groucho Marx
3. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
– Mark Twain
4. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
– Oscar Wilde
5. . I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.
George Bernard Shaw sent it to Winston Churchill
Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.
Winston Churchill’s response to what George Bernard Shaw sent
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1. You’re so fat, you could sell shade!
2. You’re so fat, you leave footprints in concrete.
3. You are so fat NASA orbits satellites around you.
4. You’re so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall!
5. You’re so fat, when you take a shower your feet don’t get wet!
6. Your so fat when you go to theme parks you get a group discount!
7. You’re so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for your liposuction!
8. At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn’t hit me in the face.
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