Because they’ve spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.

Dave has a drunken idea. “Let’s steal a bus!”

He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.

Dave sticks his head round the door. “What on earth are you doing?”

“I can’t find a number seven anywhere,” says a distressed Eric.

“You idiot,” shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. “Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way.”

A drunkard arrived at J.F.K. Airport and as soon as he came out he started to cry. He was crying so loudly that crowd gathered and asked,”What happened?”

The drunkard said. “I’ve lost all my luggage!”

“How’d that happen?” asked a concerned person

“The cork fell out of the bottle and now all I am left is an empty bottle” said drunkard.

Henry was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong. “I’ll never understand women” said Henry. “The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.” “Wow! That’s quite some gift” said the bartender. “So why are you so dejected?” “Well I thought about it for a while” said Henry, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”

A drunkard was coming home from a local liquor shop late at night. He lived alone and locked his house whenever he went out.

As he neared his house he took out his key to open the lock, but he could not manage to put the key into the hole.
After trying this repeatedly, he was tired.

A neighbor who was witnessing the scene took pity on him and said, “Give me the key I will get it open for you.”
The drunkard looked for a while, and said to him, “The lock will be opened by me, but do me a favor, please hold the house firmly, while I do the rest. Damn it, it is shaking like a pendulum.”

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the bar, so one night he took her along. “What’ll ya have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one gulp.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.

“Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

A man walks into a bar and asks the Bartenders , ‘Was I in here last night?’

‘You certainly were,’ replies the Bartenders .

‘And did I spend a lot of money?’

‘You spent over £100’, replies the Bartenders .

‘Thank god for that,’ says the man, ‘I thought I’d wasted it.’

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.

“About two hours,” says the conductor.

“OK,” says the drunk “then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?”

The irate driver says to the drunk “It’s still about two hours. Why’d you think there’d be a difference?”

“Well,” says the drunk, “It’s only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it’s a long time between New Year and Christmas!”

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.

“Carmen,” she replied.

That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation. “Who named you, your mother?”

“No, I named myself, she answered.

“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “So what’s your name?” she asked.

“Beergirls.”

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

“Get out” says the bartender. “I don’t serve drunks here”.

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

“I just told you to get out, didn’t I? Now LEAVE!”.

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells “I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!”.

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs “How many bars do you work at, anyway?”.

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.

The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?”

The drunk said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?”

The bartender answered, “Haven’t you seen anyone about this problem?” The drunk replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe I will.”

The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get help,” and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!”

The drunk replied, “I did. Now I don’t feel ashamed.”