Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out
Patient : “Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?”
Doctor : “Yes, here is a paper bag !”
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Funny Doctor Jokes
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Patient: Doctor, please can you help me out?
Patient: Doctor, please can you help me out?
Doctor: Yes, you may make your way out the same way you come in.
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Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.
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A man goes to the doctor and says
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”
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The doctor to the patient
The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
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An apple a day
An apple a day….
is almost a thousand rupees a month….!
Visiting a doctor is cheaper…!!
Be practical…!! ???? ????
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Pain in My Eye
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
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Doctor and Woman
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . .
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Doctor: “What happened?”
. .
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Woman:” Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp….”
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Doctor:”I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it…. Just gargle and gargle”.
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. .
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
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. Woman:” Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
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Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps.!
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Lab Report and Cat Scan
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”
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Halloween Party
A patient goes to doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor, I’m so ugly. What can I do about it?”
Doctor replies candidly,” Hire yourself out for Halloween parties.”
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Alphabetical Dreams
Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.
Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
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Change in Will
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”
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Funny Doctor
Maria was going on an ocean cruise, and she tells her doctor that she’s worried about getting real seasick.
The doctor tells him, “Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”
Maria says, “Will that keep me from getting sick?” The doctor says, “No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”
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My Doctor
Let me tell you about my doctor. He’s very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he’ll go out and come in again.
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Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn’t paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
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One patient came in and said, “Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.” The doctor asked, “When did it start?” The man replied, “When did what start?”
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I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: “Don’t answer it.”
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When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
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You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”
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Old Age
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
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Funny Doctor and Nurse
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
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Reorganized
The patient demanded, “Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant.”
“WHAT?” yelled the doctor. “Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants. ”
“Well,” explained the patient, “my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized. “
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Old Patient
An Old Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Irritated by this question he answers : No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
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Needs Proper Rest
Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.
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Savings Spent on Doctors
Old Patient: I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.
Shocked Doctor : Why didn’t you come to me earlier?
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