One day a software engineer drowned at the sea. There are many people on the beach and they heard him crying out. But no one understood what he was trying to say. Can you guess what he was trying to say? “F1, F1”!
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Dear Internet Users, One day you will really regret not reading me.
Sincerely,
Terms and Conditions or T & C Applied
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I will try to figure out why I “really” need 10 e-mail addresses.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
I resolve to work with my own neglected children.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will try to spend at least one hour without internet when I am not sleeping
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning when I wake to go to washroom.
I will stop sending e-mail to my better half for letting him/her know when I will be coming down for dinner
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– Virus was considered a flu.
– Mouse was an animal wife’s were afraid off.
– Hard Drive was a road trip in which we had hard times.
– Cut was done with Knife and Paste was done with a Glue.
– Apple and Blackberry were fruits with nutritional value.
– Keyboard was a Piano and was for entertainment and not work.
– Web was spider’s home and we needed to remove it every 14 days.
– Window was a hole in the wall of a room for ventilation purposes.
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6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message “Bad Command or File Name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.
1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
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In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
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Computer users are divided into three types:
Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users – People who press the keys that break other people’s computers.
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Caller: ‘Hello, is this Tech Support?’
Tech: ‘Yes, it is. How may I help you?’
Caller: ‘The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.How do I go about getting that fixed?’
Tech: ‘I`m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?’ Caller: ‘Yes, it`s attached to the front of my computer.’
Tech: ‘Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It`s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional offer, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?’
Caller: ‘It came with my computer, I don`t know anything about a promotional. It just has `4X` on it.’
Tech: Sir, that’s the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive and not a cup holder.
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15 years ago…..
A program was….. a television show
An application was…. for employment
Windows were….. something you hated to clean
A keyboard was…. a piano
Memory was…. something you lost with age
A CD was… a bank account
If you unzipped in public you went to jail
Compress was something you did to garbage
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut you did with scissors
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!!!
SURE TIMES HAVE CHANGED!
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If you have been in IT industry too long these are your symptoms:
1.) U use phrases like “No issues” and “Value addition” in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, “His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues”
2.) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.
3.) U drink more tea or coffee than water.
4.) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)
5.) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive the call.
6.) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial “0”to get an outside line.
7.) U haven’t played Solitaire with real cards in years.
8.) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future will be girls in HR.
9.) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.
10.) Ur important ‘meetings’ usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.
11) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting behind you at the exam.
13.) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.
14.) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.
15.) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to ur friends who are also in IT.
16.)U r too busy to notice there was no line no. 12
17.)U r not sure so u scroll back check it .
18.)And now u r smiling!!!!
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”
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Hard Disk Women:
She remember Everything ,FOREVER
Ram Women:
She forgets about you,the moment you turn her off.
Windows Women:
Everyone know’s that she can’t do a thing right,but no one can live without her.
Excel Women:
She can do lot of thing,But you mostly use her for your basic needs.
ScreenSaver Women:
She is good for nothing but atleast she is fun.
Internet Women:
Difficult to access.
Server Women:
Always Busy When you need her.
Multimedia women:
She makes horrible things looks beatiful.
CDROM Women:
She is always faster and faster
Email Women:
Every ten things she says,eight are nonsense.
Virus Women: Also known as WIFE.When you are not expecting her ,she comes install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose something.If you dont try to uninstall her,you will lose everthing.
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.
I was against it and an argument started.
I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.
He responded, “When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?”
And I said “See, even people who write viruses don’t support Macs.”
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No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. – Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. – Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It’s a bug.
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A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What’s the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later
The User is still adamant that he is
right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me
know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.
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10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8 ) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ”com” after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
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Now that I’ve lived to see this day,
These are the things I must but say.
Die a bachelor, if your options are few,
Never ever love a female programmer,
they’ll make a program out of you.
Don’t laugh it away, mine has been an object lesson,
They find syntax errors, even in a romantic expression.
Alas! They search logic in love, where there is none,
Your heart may skip a beat and they just hit return.
You are in for trouble if you persist,
You’ll just be a pointer in her long linked list.
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, DrunkenBoys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
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1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book… if I still remember how.
8 ) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime… and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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