You Know your 60th birthday is coming when
Happy hour is a nap.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You and your teeth don’t sleep together anymore.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
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Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.
His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Johnny ‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned!
Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Johnny ‘s troubled eyes and answered, “Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you idiot.
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A husband was giving a speech on wife’s 30th birthday, he said
Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
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What did you get for your birthday?
Another year!
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What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
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Why was the ticket checker’s son having a cake on a train seat?
It was his berth-day.
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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,‘I‘ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her 60th birthday.‘Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn‘t get her anything. She says, ‘Why didn‘t you get me a birthday present!?‘He replies, ‘You didn‘t use what I got you last year!‘
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The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s 60th birthday.
“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.
“You bet,” answered the customer. “She’s expecting a cruise.”
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A husband asked his wife what she wanted for her 40th birthday.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asked.
“Not really,” said the wife.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” said the husband.
“No,” she responded
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggested
She again rejected his offer.
“Well what would you like for your birthday?” the husband asked.
“I’d like a divorce,” answered the wife.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” said the husband.
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Little Johnny : Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, dear, what?
Little Johnny: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Little Johnny: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.
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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your 40th birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
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It’s my wife’s 30th birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know, she said . Just give me something with diamonds.”
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
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Husband: Why didn’t you give me anything for my birthday?
Wife: You told me to surprise you.
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Teacher to Little Johnny – When is your birthday?
Little Johnny – 17th July.
Teacher – What year?
Little Johnny – Every year!
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Henry was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong. “I’ll never understand women” said Henry. “The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.” “Wow! That’s quite some gift” said the bartender. “So why are you so dejected?” “Well I thought about it for a while” said Henry, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
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A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. ‘What’s the matter?’ she asked. ‘It’s my birthday!’ he hollered. ‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterward. . .’ and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. ‘But that’s lovely,’ said the old lady. ‘Why are you crying?’ ‘Because I’m lost!’
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All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
At 60, before crossing a room you look both ways.
At 60, you realize that you were built for comfort, not speed.
At 60, your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
At 60, conversations with people your own age often become a duel of ailments.
At 60, it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
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There is still no cure for the common birthday.
Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
The only assured gift that every one of us gets on our birthday is another year.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of …………. Lord-only-knows
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
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